A Wise Thought From A 4 Year-Old

Just returned to the office after going on a field trip with Josh's class to Play Plus (a huge indoor playground adventure for younger kids).

Ill be candid for a minute here...I was not feeling good this morning. A week from today, Ill be going through my first radiation treatment. I have so much I want to get done and the only thing rolling through my brain was "Why me God? Why now? Its not fair!" Though I believe I have every excuse in the book to have this attitude, it wrecks a persons day.
I didn't want to get out of bed.
I didn't want to face the day.
I didn't want to deal with preparing for next week.
I was quite content, lying in my bed, dwelling on how bad my life seemed to be going.

Enter Josh crashing through tightly shut bedroom door. I knew what was coming. Josh flew mid-air over the bed and landed right next to me...literally, sharing my pillow. I looked over...somewhat annoyed, and he just smiled and laughed. Then he said "Who made the trees? God did! Who made me? God did! That's awesome! Get up mom...lets go!"

God is Creator. God is the Beginning and the End. God is the Author of life...I've simply been invited into His story. I don't get to choose my part, but I do know how the final chapter will end.
Yes...I got that from a 4 year-old...God speaks to me anywhere.

It could have stopped there...

After the field trip I told Josh we could swing by the park and eat lunch on the way to preschool. He was beyond excited...I was already exhausted from the CIDP and losing sleep last night.
We got to the park and started eating. Josh had a lunchable...I had a Sprite (its my lunch on most days). He started eating and the wind started moving his tray. I got annoyed..."Give me a break" I thought. "I'm trying to enjoy lunch with my son here!"
The wind blew harder...and I started getting frustrated. I went to grab Josh's tray and he smiled and said "Look at this mom!" He had the one end of the tray in his mouth...holding it from the wind...smiling too.
I smiled. He was just laughing when I was getting frustrated by something so small.
I told him I wanted a picture...he told me to get in the picture too. He grabbed the cheese..I had the tray...and now I have a great memory too.

Just yesterday I was asking our elementary group what was the biggest thing they struggle with. One by one they whispered things like lying to my parents and fighting with my brother - into my ear. I gave each of them a heavy rock and wrote something that symbolized their struggle on it. I made a rock too...mine was worry. I told the kids that we carry these heavy struggles around with us all the time. They got it...it was great. After I told the story of the Prodigal Son, we talked about how God, like the father, will take us back...no matter how many rocks we have. I took a huge hammer and told the kids that just like when they nailed Jesus to the cross, God can smash any struggle you have...and that rock was dust. My boys were beyond glued! We ended with a small celebration for the son that came home...all my group had cake. It was great. They took their rocks home as a reminder of what God can do.
I came back and saw my rock, marked with a "W" for worry, sitting on my desk. I taught the lesson...but I missed the point, until now.

Funny how God speaks through kids, wind and rocks.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you." (1 Peter 5:7 NLT)

Josh and mommy at the park!

Some of our kids showcasing their "rocks"

Our "Welcome Home" (referring to the Prodigal Son) "Rock Star" (God) Cake :) 

My huge "Worry Rock" (We had a dad make these out of concrete...they turned out AMAZING!!! Thank you Chris!!!)

Help Bethany win an Ipad 2?!

Long story short - a few weeks ago I entered a Technology And Ministry contest...two of my passions combined! My essay was one of three finalists!

Today they declare a winner based on our blogs! They are judging on blog content as well as blog visitors.

HERES WHAT ID LIKE YOU TO DO...please visit my blog www.asis2asHis.com (if you subscribe to my updates by email, simply click on the post title to visit my blog). You only need to click once...it records one visit per computer. The more people that visit TODAY the better chance I have to win!

The contest ends today at 8pm EST (Monday, January 30th). Id love an ipad to use for ministry and during treatments! Tell your friends! Ill update with the ending result!

Sorry for any grammar errors...updating via cell phone...technology at work!!

Patience

I hate patience...especially if it is waiting on something I think I deserve. But, I guess God has a way of teaching us things when we need it most.

These last few days have been a whirlwind...some days feeling good (like today) and then feeling completely overwhelmed and just ready to move to Hawaii (yesterday). There is just so much going on in my life right now, I feel like I'm spinning so many plates and just exhausted trying to keep everything going as it should...you know, the way I think life should go. Trying to spend time with my kids, trying to connect with Steve, trying to understand these strange things growing i my head, understanding CIDP and my limitations, recruiting more volunteers for our children's ministry, preparing for a new Wednesday night program, trying to get the church website going again...doctors appointments, get-togethers, calls...cleaning the house (ummm...yea...)...you get the point.

I caught myself literally saying, "I can't do it all." At that moment, looking at my cluttered desk I saw a button that I received a year ago from a Children's Pastors Conference...it read, "SDWSC" which means She Did What She Could. In other words, I AM not, but I know "I AM." I am not God, but I know God...I can't do everything, be everything, provide everything but I can do something for the Creator and Author of Everything. God didn't create me to do everything...whew...that's a relief!

My priorities are God, family, ministry....I get these reversed a lot. Its hard...its always been a struggle. But I'm working on it...

Today, my patience was restored. My meeting with my doctors got moved up to today. It was absolutely amazing. The peace and comfort I felt there today was just surreal...its like God was saying, "Its going to be okay." Long story short, on February 6th I will have my first radiosurgical procedure to...are you ready for this...DESTROY both tumors! Not shrink...buddy, they are out to fry them suckers! The thing that blows my mind about this is that the center is the only one in Florida that has a specialist that has experience not only with meningioma, but with this procedure...and has 2 successful cases! This procedure lasts about 1 hour and involves the MRI-like machine where the doctors literally guide the radiation beams (gamma knife) in an through the tumor itself. I get to be fitted for a neat little head piece and I will be given IV (relaxing meds and dye). It will be disappointing that I can't wear my hearing-aid...but they are working on a communication method. I am pretty good with reading lips, but this won't help in this case. After each treatment, I will have IVIG and chemo the rest of the week. They were toying with the idea of offering it immediately after the procedure, but thought that would be a bit much for one day...I agree.

I will have the procedure itself done twice, followed by a round of chemo (equaling 2 weeks). Monday Feb. 20th will be an "off" day...but pending on how everything is goig, they might consider an alternative radiation method. The goal is to re-evaluate and re-group by Monday, Feb. 27th.

I'm told all of the side effects...tired, lack of eating, hair-loss...all of which I've already had. BUT to say that I'm thrilled wit going down this road again is...well...not true. In fact, the doctors warned me this time it will be worse being that I will have the full dose of chemo and ivig...both make me sick, and tired...and still bald (at this point I don't mind being bald...I like my hats!). Its SO hard hearing Josh pray at night for "mommy to get better." I guess that why I've been trying to do everything lately...I feel better...I just want Josh to know I'm trying.

So...I have the rest of this week and next week off of treatment (pre-meds, but no treatment). I'm so happy for these breaks in the storm. I have made so many calls lately...oh man, I love having the energy to reconnect again! I love feeling good...why can't I just be healthy? Maybe its Gods way of rewarding my patience...knowing it will be tested again soon.

I'm getting off...too much I want to do and its so hard making myself update when I have energy...what can I get into...hmmm....UK WILDCAT BASKETBALL!!!! Go Cats!!!!!

Date Night!

With so much medical jargon completely taking over my mind, I decided yesterday I needed to laugh...so I had a date night with the most amazing guy!
Steve decided early that he was going to visit friends up North and was nice enough to take Caden with him! That left Josh and I with an evening alone. What kind of trouble can a bald-headed momma and a 4 year-old get into? A lot!
We headed to the Dollar Movies first to see "Puss And Boots" - it features the cat from Shrek. We even got real movie popcorn...I still snuck in the drinks! Josh and I were cracking up during the entire movie...so much so, we ran the others out by the end...seriously, we were by ourselves! We even danced in our seats during the credits!
Olive Garden had a 30 minute wait, so we ended up nextdoor at McDonalds. Funny thing...this one had no playground. After I told this to Josh he responded "Silly mommy! This is date night! I just want a cheeseburger!" So that's exactly what we did...and we ate outside too! I sat there, watching my son dive into his cheeseburger and I caught myself asking God for more moments like this. There will be...this kid knows how to make me smile and put fear right back in its place!
Last week Josh told Steve that he LOVED when mommy gives him a bath...hehehe...finally something I do well!
Love ya Josh...and we will do date night again!

"The Short Straw"...Again?!

I'm not sure if you have literally ever had the opportunity (or should I say dare) to get a group of friends together and see who grabs the short straw. I've never literally done this (perhaps its because I never have straws in the house?) but I feel like I've once again come up short. The doctor literally looked at me and my friend Gloria that attended this week's batch of appointment with me and said those dumb words, "It looks like you've drawn the short straw again."

Let me just say it here and get it over with. Once you read and process (you might have to come back) - continue reading...

I have two brain tumors, one a dime in size, the other around a penny in size. Both are meningioma (treatable tumors) that are common to cause low CSF (some of you may remember my issues with this last August...these are the cause of it). The smaller tumor is located in my parietal lobe of the brain. Since my very first CT and MRI back in August, this tumor has simply just been there. The other "penny sized" tumor is located in my frontal lobe area (both on the left side of my brain...go figure) and has not only grown slightly (less than a cm) but has also changed its overall form. The doctor believes its reaction to the latest round of IVIG treatment with the added chemo infusion actually indirectly reacted with the tumor itself. This is a good sign when it comes to designing a treatment plan - but it is a bad sign because these types of tumors (though very rare) are malignant. At this point, the doctor refuses to do a biopsy because my CIDP has not been under remission and the risks outweigh the advantages. Through the multiple blood tests and deeper (level 2 MRI), combined with the shape and reaction of the tumors - the frontal lobe tumor is being called malignant and the parietal lobe tumor is benign (but can become malignant - but not a big threat at this point). BUT the reason (the doctors believe) that my CIDP has not encountered a full remission is partially due to these two tumors (the other half fully being me...my reluctance to stop and listen to my body when it needs rest).

Things to grasp here:
 - The tumors are small and have been caught early (thank God)
 - Both tumors are the same type, yet differently classifications (that's just a fact...)
 - People can simply live with these tumors if they can go into remission (especially given the size and location of the smaller tumor)
 - My hair is already gone due to the previous chemo - one less emotional drawback to deal with!
 - Doctor will meet with me again this coming Thursday at 2PM (no treatment is even set-up without pulling my cardio, neuro, PCP and oncologist together - their meeting is set for Tuesday as they Skype in the specialist (neurologist from Atlanta) who has dealt with CIDP previously with 2 other patients...one a LOT like my case). The oncologist with present the plan to me on Thursday.
 - I see the other specialist in Tampa on Feb. 1st - at this point, the department has agreed until the next week (Feb 6th) to even begin any type of treatment (which is good - I wanted a second opinion).
 - I feel confident with the information I was given yesterday. Not only does it make sense to me, it follows the way I've been feeling too...I appreciate the bluntness of doctors, not the lack of empathy...but at least mine give it to me straight.

Mentally I feel like I'm on track...somehow. I understand and can explain what is going on. I'm still getting the hang of the terminology. My emotions haven't even remotely caught-up....and they won't most likely for a bit.

I am, however, frustrated. Like I mentioned, the short straw is no fun. It means others out there have a perfectly good straw and are enjoying life with no "extra" bending to do on their part. Here I am, trying to figure out really how to even do life and I draw the short straw...again.

Okay God...I've had enough now. Really...I've been through enough to last me the rest of my life...shoot, I can even write a book and get published...and create a SERIES!

Funny thing though - when I got in my car last night just guess what song came on the radio? No kidding here folks... it was Josh Wilson's "Fall Apart" (if you are a new reader...refer to my previous post "Fall Apart"). My mind instantly went back to the way I felt then...and now too...my life really is insane, falling apart and God is right there in the middle of it. I do see Him now better than I did before all of this. So, I guess that means there will be closer, more amazing God Moments to come.

And you thought my blog was getting Boring again...its almost like God was giving me more writing material. (Yes...I can crack a smile today).

I haven't really dealt with any of this yet...but I'm sure you will hear it soon. Please continue (as I know you will) to support my family in your prayers.

I'm thinking about taking a weekend away just for Steve and myself...as in next weekend...hmmmmmm....

When God Fails

Did the title get your attention? Those words crossed through my brain more than once this week and I caught my thought process each time. Let me start from the beginning of my week...

Sunday was amazing! You know the feeling you get after being at a camp, retreat, conference or getting out of the norm and spending time with God? Some call it a "spiritual high." After working with teens in JDC, I don't really take to that term anymore. I guess you can call it "feeling God." Really...isn't that it? You come back from an amazing event where someone had guided your thought process into a new defined relationship with God - you learned something new, you shared, you learn from others...you can literally feel God alive in your life. It's a great place to be. I attended the Children's Pastors Conference and you can't not attend this networking event - surrounded by literally hundreds of children's ministry workers (both paid and volunteers) who love God as much as you do and have been created for ministry, just like you - you can't worship next to others from different affiliations and backgrounds and all across the country WITHOUT returning in just an awe for Who God is and What HE is doing. To be this excited and humbled - and return to a place I call home and family here at Palm Bay Christian Church - it was a great experience. I love what I do...but I love where I am even more. It's just a great place to be in my life.

With this being said - I turn around Monday to start the week with doctor's appointments. The pain had returned in my legs over the weekend. I pushed myself too hard...but for good reasons. Yet, the pain was back. I stopped my daily devotion time because I was at the conference and just really busy networking with everyone (mistake number 1). I knew my appointments were coming up and I just assumed everything would be fine and that God pulled through in such a big way before, He would rise to the occasion again (mistake number 2). Monday morning I get back to the office and immediately start trying to get caught-up instead of mentally preparing myself for my appointment (mistake number 3). You see where this is going don't you?

I get to the doctor's office frazzled and reality quickly set-in. I wasn't feeling calm. I wasn't really feeling good at all. I allowed circumstances to take control and now I was going to deal with the scattered pieces. Somewhere between getting weighed (seriously, is that really needed at EVERY appointment...I still think that scale is off big time!) and waiting for the neurologist to enter, reality sank in...this was not going to be good. I did what any, rational person would do in my situation - I put on my game face and got prepared to justify my actions (even though I knew I messed up).

The neurologist did the muscle energy test and realized that my reflexes were again getting slower...my knees are always the first to go. It's annoying watching your body suffer and knowing there is nothing you can do to stop it. Yet, I wasn't anywhere near the point of my "Juice-Up" week. I could stand with a cane...I needed my cane, but I could stand upright and somewhat balance without support if needed...until my knees gave out. Yet, this is not where I was on that amazing Friday, just a short week ago. I knew that. My neurologist knew that.

Just a side note here - I will never mention the names of the doctors I see on this blog. Because this is a public place and I don't always agree with all of their decisions, names will not be used. Yet, if you are one that would like referrals, let me know!

The visit continued with a cardio check with my pacemaker. I was scanned (this alone is a new experience for me...I literally live with technology now!) and the report spit out that my heart was not beating regularly, specifically during the early hours of the morning (2am-5am window). A few times the report included a stall in the pacemaker's response to initiate. My neuro quickly contacted my cardio and set-up an appointment for later on...today actually in about 1 hour.

I was also consulted reference a few spots they have been following off of my CT and MRI scans. At this point, the doctors are varying widely on opinions - ranging from formation from birth to a small sized tumor (easily treatable in my case). Yet, with these spots being there, the doctors believe this is what may be keeping the CIDP in this constant cycle and not allowing the IVIG to stay in effect as long. Just to keep you (the reader and friend clear) - these spots measure a dime to a penny in size and are not growing. No diagnosis has been made and they have been following these since August.

With all of this being said - my neurologist looked at me. I looked at him. I took a deep breath and let him go. Doctors aren't always the most empathetic or compassionate. This guy is neither - YET he does stick to the reality of what is going on. This statement stood out to me the most, "Bethany, your life has changed and you are pretending like nothing is different. You are no longer who you were - your lifestyle has to change, period!" CIDP is one of those conditions that can be made worse by not listening to your body. When you get tired, you rest...not in a few minutes, but that second. I was tired since Wednesday...and hadn't stopped. I knew this was coming, but I just wanted everything to be fine.

I wanted to say God healed me, permanently.

The truth is, I do believe God moved in a powerful way that Friday, but cidp is still a part of my life. God isn't always going to prevent my pain. God isn't always going to "wow" my doctors. God isn't always going to do what I think is best.

Sometimes, like there in that doctor's office, I buy into that lie that God fails.

I could ramble on my thoughts through that evening as I tried to digest everything I had been given. It's not fair. I just returned from a conference and I have so many programs and outreach events I want to do. Now, I'm being told that I can't because my body that (in all fairness here) God created and God can heal...and I can't do ministry because of a broken body? Really? Are you kidding me?

I was mad. I was frustrated. I hid it well. I went from feeling God so close one day to being furious with Him the next. Good thing wrestling with God is something that's been going on for a while. Look at Job - he told God like it was and God pretty much put Job right back in his place too (Job 38-41). I knew that...but I didn't feel that.

Yet, God ain't done yet (I still have my Kentucky roots y'all).

On Tuesday I started my day continuing through my Youversion plan - I was going through the Gospels and I was on John 6. It was supposed to be an easy read. Jesus fed the 5,000. Jesus walked on water. Jesus talks with the crowd. I've read it all countless times. But this time, something just nagged at me. I ended up reading the entire chapter THREE times and that nagging feeling...that feeling I get like there is something here that I don't agree with...that feeling wasn't leaving me. I literally closed my journal without writing a single word...this one was going to take some deeper thought.

On my way to Walmart the light bulb came on. Nothing really triggered it, but I just could not get the sequence of events out of my head. Are you ready?

God is saying, "I AM who I AM. That's all you need."

Let me explain...

John chapter six opens with the feeding of the 5000. Jesus takes the lunch of a small boy and feeds the crowd until they are full and still have baskets leftover for more meals. The people were amazed and wanted to crown Him king, but Jesus slipped away from the crowd to be alone (verses 1-15). The disciples waited for Jesus but as the evening grew dark, they decided to get on a boat and sail to the other side of the area. As a storm broke out Jesus came to them walking on the water and they immediately let Him in the boat (verses 16-21 and this does not record Peter's walk). Here's where things get interesting for me - the next day the crowds come back wanting to see Jesus. They look in the area where He fed them and discovered He was not there. Then they find Him on the other side of the water and swarm Him. (verses 22-24)

Then you read the dialogue:
²⁵ They found him on the other side of the lake and asked, “Rabbi, when did you get here?”
²⁶ Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, you want to be with me because I fed you, not because you understood the miraculous signs. ²⁷ But don’t be so concerned about perishable things like food. Spend your energy seeking the eternal life that the Son of Man^[f] can give you. For God the Father has given me the seal of his approval.”

(In other words - Jesus is asking these people to love Him for Who He is, more than the signs He can do).

²⁸ They replied, “We want to perform God’s works, too. What should we do?”

(The people figure, if He doesn't want to feed us, maybe we can learn how to do that trick. THEY MISSED THE POINT COMPLETELY).

²⁹ Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.”

(Point blank - how can they get this one messed up?)

³⁰ They answered, “Show us a miraculous sign if you want us to believe in you. What can you do? ³¹ After all, our ancestors ate manna while they journeyed through the wilderness! The Scriptures say, ‘Moses gave them bread from heaven to eat.’^[g]”

(They messed it up...they are still focused on wanting to see Jesus doing something incredible, in this case with food. My guess is that the guys must have been hungry and the wives hadn't gotten breakfast ready yet....seriously, you notice their one track mind?).

³² Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, Moses didn’t give you bread from heaven. My Father did. And now he offers you the true bread from heaven. ³³ The true bread of God is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”

(Though they might not get this yet because the cross is still a ways away at this point, they do know that God has told them that He would been sending them a Messiah to save them from their sins. Jesus is saying "I'm here guys...its more than just bread - I'm offering you salvation!").

³⁴ “Sir,” they said, “give us that bread every day.”

(Big shock...they miss it again...)

³⁵ Jesus replied, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry again. Whoever believes in me will never be thirsty. ³⁶

(My interpretation here...LOUD AND CLEAR - "Bethany, I AM who I AM. I AM all you need."


I wonder how many times we get caught up expecting God to show-up in ways that He has done in the past, when He is just saying, "I am bringing you so much more than just temporary healing. I have brought you eternal life. Now go forward and live like you believe it!"

Granted, some of us may be wanting God to show-up and do big things for all the right reasons - I would do anything for God to heal my CIDP and get these doctors off my back...in all reality, I'd love for Him to just show-up like He did on that Friday again...an unexplainable improvement and STILL baffles these guys! I love it! Yet, it really is only temporary. What if God did cure me from my CIDP? Great! But not too many steps down the road would I be asking for something else (my kids to get better, Steve to get into a nursing program and be Dr. Oz's assistant...small thins like that). God can easily cure the temporary, but the thing that makes God who He is, that's what seperates God, Our God, from everything else! It's the salvation He brings to us through Jesus Christ. That's it! It's more than the amazing wonders He does...Jesus was more than feeding the 5000 and accomplished much more than just walking on water. He communicated that God loves us and His plan was to be together with us, but our sins got in the way. We can't get to God by our own good deeds or trying to live the perfect life. Paying the price for our sin, God sent His Son Jesus to die for us and rise again so that we could be saved and have an eternal relationship with God forever - AND essentially live a better life here on earth through that amazing relationship.

Don't miss that! Don't get too caught up chasing what God "could do" that you miss what He has "already brought"! Now, that grumble for bread will always be there - we want God to do big things in our life. Yet, it should never cause us to lose sight of who He is.

Plus, God uses us anytime, anywhere...even if our stomachs are rumbling a little louder than usual.

So, this put things in perspective for me in a big way - a little dose of reality that I needed. I just wanted to share.

You are truly "bought as-is and used as His." So, use what you got, with all you got, for the One you got it from!

I'm Back!

I didn't do much blogging at the conference...though many of my readers don't know how to comment of my blog (yet), many do know how to email! I received 13 emails asking when I'd be posting again! I LOVE the encouragement! This blog adventure is still very new to me and it has been received with open arms to so many. I launched this as an attempt for me to keep everyone informed but it has turned into a source of encouragement to myself and countless readers. If the stats are correct, this blog has generated over 2,500 hits in two weeks! That blows my mind and my heart. People actually enjoy reading my thoughts and how God continues to work in my life. I love it.

I made it to and from the Children's Pastors Conference without too many bumps in the road. I tried to do too much (you are smiling...I see you!) and ended up being exhausted. Yet, the conversations I experienced as well as the many tools I now have to use for PBCC's children's ministry was well worth the slight pain and exhaustion.

Personal achievement - I made it on my first solo adventure with my little scooter without taking out too many people AND I survived too! This may sound petty to some, but this scooter is an entirely new adventure for me and our family. We purchased a GoGo Pride scooter used off of Craigs List shortly after my pacemaker procedure. The doctors were forcing me to face the reality that long walking trips were not going to work with me...at least not for right now. After realizing they were right through struggling so many times with the cane, I swallowed any remaining pride I had and started the quest. Do you know how incredibly un-sensetive the scooter market is towards 29-year-old adventurous moms? Seriously...after a few days of looking I just couldn't imagine myself driving down the road with a hitch on the back of our minivan...this wasn't me at all. I wasn't looking for a bulky scooter built for luxury...I was looking for a small speedy road demon meant to catch running kids...primarily MY running kids....at Seaworld, Disney and soccer practice! I wanted something that could get my life back.

I connected with a guy with the scooter I now own and we worked out a great deal. This scooter is AMAZING on turns and can go up to 4 mph...I can get up to 12 miles on a single charge! I used the scooter during the entire conference and didn't even charge it once. It also comes apart, so it goes right in my car and I'm able to assemble and dis-assemble myself. I still enjoy people-bowling on occasion, but for the most part, I'm finally getting it down.

The thing I hate most is the view. I hate being looked-down at. You only get this from seeing the world from my seat...a seat that goes with me on these long trips. I know if I decide to walk the distance, I will feel more "normal," but I also take the chance of severe exhaustion, which leads to the return symptoms of CDP. I'm feeling pain again in my feet and legs. I know this weekend, as well as my decisions to use a cane at church today brought it back. Sometimes I want to enjoy the "normal" view so much, it ends up costing me in this way Is it worth it? I'm not sure yet. Perhaps I should ask the other children's ministry leaders I enjoyed Downtown Disney with...or maybe I should ask Josh how much he enjoyed having mommy up and playing at his birthday party. Really...its a tough choice and I'm still a rookie at making these choices.

I'm getting ready to go through 3 appointments this week...Monday with the neurologist, Wednesday with the cardiologist and Thursday with the imaging department. Oh boy....back to reality! BUT I'm also back in ministry this week with Family Night, catching-up with my kids (my ministry kids) and meetings!! It feels like a little bit of "normal" to finally be back in the office at least a little bit. I need to discover a pace that works for me now...that has been quite a challenge. I'm working on it...

As I close, let me encourage you to do something this week. Do something purposely to change your life view. By this I mean...it might be walking on your knees in your child's bedroom or it might be simply changing your seat in a work meeting. It might be making that trip to the neighbors house to watch their kids or possibly even volunteering for a few hours in a soup kitchen. Sometimes God purposely changes our view and we adapt to see His face, though at times it might not seem as clear as it once was...but it is there. He might not be purposefully changing your view, but you can allow your view to be changed to see Him better (through empathy and seeking out those who need to experience His love in a new way - through you). I now have an amazing love for those people who live daily in wheelchairs...especially our younger generation. I have no clue how God is going to use this new viewpoint in my life...but it's there for when that time comes.

See...I told you...no matter what, God can use you in any situation. Instead of asking "Why is this happening God?" Ask "How are You going to use this God?" (and I usually add..."Please show me how You are going to use this...hopefully sooner than later!).

Have a great start to your week!

Phil Vischer

I'm at the Childrens Pastors Conference here in Orlando. Its early, but my mind is reeling through the conversations I had yesterday. You meet so many people at this networking event...and so many can be much like you.

I spoke with Phil Vischer last night...creator behind Big Idea and of course VeggieTales! This guy is so genuine...he is the type of guy you could meet in a coffee shop and talk for hours...actually, that isn't a bad idea! He has started a new series called "What's In The Bible" taking families through the Bible...not just the stories.

I don't have much time to blog, but if you are wondering what about Phil and the VeggieTales...you should check out his testimony. Its worth the read...God uses anyone, anytime to change lives!
Phils testimony http://www.philvischer.com/phil-news/what-happened-to-big-idea-part-1
Have a great day y'all!

Blessed

It's Wednesday morning and for the first time in over a year, I entered my office here at the church and it was CLEAN! It felt SO good to finally have the energy and the time to organize files, books, cards...and say "out with the old and in with the new." Most of you have already done that last week, but I didn't get that opportunity. Isn't it encouraging to look through old documents, past pictures, children's artwork and notes that you wrote over the last year? It was for me...I added several items to my "Encouragement" folder that I have here in my office. I go to it often...2011 was the hardest year in my life, yet filled with the richest blessings. Ever been there?

Today during my devotion time, I was in Matthew chapter 5. I use the Youversion app and I just completed the 100 Essentials Reading Plan. I just started a daily reading plan that walks me through the Gospels. Some days - like today - I get stuck and can't get my mind past what I'm reading and I fall behind. I can't tell you how much this devotion time means to me. If I miss it, my entire day suffers. Even if I get through my devotion time and think, "Okay...that was nice but I didn't exactly have an a-ha moment" - it still carries me through my day.

Today was the Beatitudes, just a portion of the Sermon on the Mount.

³ “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,^[a]
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. (I have felt my need for Him a lot lately...this just struck me in the face...even if my the earth we are classified as being rich, we are nothing without Him).

    ⁴ God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted. (God gives us permission to show emotion here...why do we hide it so much?).

    ⁵ God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.(This one I really like...the humble get what the proud strive for...and most of the time the humble don't want what is given to them! Humbleness is not easily learned, rather it comes through life experience. When one learns that God is everything, our ownership of anything becomes almost pointless. Humility is realizing that God is in control and that you truly will bring absolutely nothing out of this world).

    ⁶ God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,^[b]
for they will be satisfied.(I wonder if the satisfaction is in the ending that one day God will bring true justice...I'm sure not satisfied sometimes! Maybe this is one I need to work on).

    ⁷ God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy. (I think mercy can only be understood by those who have experienced it and know how to show it to others...you have to be able to recognize a good thing in order to receive it in your life).

    ⁸ God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God. (Some of my most amazing "God Things" occurred when I at least FELT like this...but its a daily - sometimes hourly re cleansing. Good thing God sees us better than we see ourselves sometimes).

    ⁹ God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God. (I think this one pretty much sums it up itself...children of God bring peace).

   ¹⁰ God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.(Ever been here...I have.).

AND HERE'S WHERE THE LANGUAGE CHANGES....
¹¹ “God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you^[c] and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. ¹² Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way.

Before we got here the language was "God blesses THOSE" and suddenly, it was changed to "God blesses YOU." God knew His followers would endure trials and would be under special attack from Satan due to our love for Christ. Jesus changed the language here because He was talking to His followers...the crowd! Until this point the crowd is going, "I want to be poor. I want to be humble. I want to hunger and thirst for justice. I want to be merciful. I want a pure heart. I want to work for peace." And then, WHAM...Jesus starts talking directly to THEM...YOU and then all of these bad things like persecution, lies and verbal abuse. I wonder if anyone was thinking, "Ugh Jesus...can we go back to the merciful stuff now?"

Reality is, life is hard. Life with Jesus is hard. Yet, life knowing Him and the reality that He will never leave your side is more than just enough, its a Truth that is worth living for. That is what sets true Christ followers apart from the crowd. Everyone suffers, but those who have endured trials and can stay focused on Him...they see that reward and a relationship that truly is out of this world.

I think that's what is getting me through these crazy days. I know God is still here. I feel Him. I see Him. He's right here dancing in the rain with me...and that is something worth living for. (But remember, blessed are those who MOURN - they will be comforted...thus, God doesn't expect happiness all the time because then, how could we be comforted?).

Deep thoughts and a lot of them. I thought it was worth sharing.

I'm feeling SO good today (I even ate cereal WITH the kids this morning!). Finally keeping real food down! This might be my last post for this week, being I leave this afternoon for the Children's Pastors Conference in Orlando. But I'm taking my cell phone (which is usually how I post anyway)...maybe there will be a few pictures worth sharing!

Have a great day...and remember YOU ARE BLESSED!

Laughter

Monday 7AM...I discover I'm losing my hair...again. I need to get Josh out the door, so I just wear a hat. (Head shaved now...back to wearing hats again!)

8:45AM - I meet a few friends to sign a living will...ewww...something nobody likes to really talk about. The doctors have been advising me to get one done, but that always brings in emotions that really I could do without. Yet, its something that needed to be done.

9-10AM- I realize how really far behind I am in the office. I start a to-do list.

10-11AM - Staff meeting...love our staff so much! We spent time celebrating how God is moving in the lives of those here at PBCC. Love these "God Things."

I grab a quick lunch and by 1:30 I'm in the doctors office parking lot. It was a whirlwind...I wasn't ready...I had no time to prepare.

I was told that the treatment was working but more appointments, further treatments and discussions are underway. More treatments? More issues? More appointments? There have been these weird spots that keep appearing on MRI and cat scans that just drive my doctors crazy (anything the doctors can't explain drives them into a hissy fit). But they were trying to tell me that these "spots" could cycle my CIDP, instead of sending it into remission for a longer period of time. Conclusion - yes, the new ivig treatment and oral medication is working BUT now we have other issues. Joy...there always seems to be "other" issues with me...I've had this reality my entire life! It really gets old after a while!

The news hit me like a brick. Smile gone. Emotions numb. Feeling lost, angry, hurt...ultimately alone. This is not how I pictured my Monday going..."God, I think you misunderstood my prayer.I prayed for a happy ending, not a continuation to more issues here!"

But I was given permission to attend my conference...I'm so excited to get out of town WEDNESDAY and take a break.

With this, I picked-up Josh from preschool just anxious to get home. Josh wanted to feed the turtles. He wanted to count the clouds. He wanted to go to the park...I wanted to go home. I wasn't exactly a good mommy, but I was trying.

We got home and a few hours later I found myself shopping for a pair of jeans with Josh...I had to get a new pair because my favorite jeans encountered a mysterious hole, right at the knee. Josh decided he was born for fashion right in the middle of the store. He literally helped me pick out jeans to try-on as well as a few tops. He would give each outfit a thumbs-up or thumbs-down and then went on to tell everyone in the fitting room why he felt this way. (I would say he and Paula from "American Idol" would get along great...Josh is not a Simon!).

Somewhere between Josh fixing my pocket and the laughter from the next stall over, I realized I was having fun. I was shopping with an almost 4 year-old boy and really having fun! Wow...had my life really come to this?

Then I remember how our Father loves to hear us laugh. We don't have to be enjoying life to laugh...we just need good friends and courage to take our son shopping. Once again, God gave me what I needed. I came home in a much better, relaxed mood (Steve for one was grateful). 

Some may say it was a God moment that shopping even went that well!

This morning a specialist called from Tampa that wants to take a look at my case and is going in a much easier direction. We will see. More on this after our appointment in Tampa set for February 1st.

So, my break starts tomorrow. I may need to remind myself how to laugh more.
Just because its raining doesn't mean you can't dance in the rain!
Have a great night!

Thank You PBCC!

I wrote this email today and it was sent out to all of our members here at Palm Bay Christian Church. I was going to just let it be, but I felt like sharing it on here as well. I realize full-well that for some strange reason I have readers that are not even here at this church...some are not even based in Florida...even others are in other countries and I have no clue who you are...but I welcome all!

I wanted to share my new found definition of a church from a church staff member's viewpoint. In my world, you go where God wants you to be. In our case, its far away from our parents (Steve's lives in PA, mine in KY). Steve and I learned early on the dynamics of a church is completely different to a minister's-kid...its true!

So, as you read this, dance with me please! I am so excited to be here at PBCC and just overwhelmed what God is doing in my life as well as others in our congregation. "God Things Happen Here"...I like this new slogan some of our members have adopted.

For those of you that do attend a church...this will help you get life from a ministry staff perspective. Those of you on staff at a church, this is what a church built on un-conditional love looks like...I've not seen it before in my personal life...glad I can start now.

Dear our family here at PBCC –

I’m not sure where to start. When my health started failing back in August, I remember thinking, “No way am I taking a break from what I love here at PBCC!” I continued to press forward to the point that it was obvious I had to allow my church family in to help. Through meals, prayers, cards, playing with our kids, offering rides, encouragement…you not only helped, you accepted us in. I defined my role here at PBCC by my title which requires effort on my part. I prepare the lessons. I recruit, train and encourage volunteers. I love on these amazing kids! I plan, I create…you get the picture here. All of the sudden, you came in as a church family and SHOWED me that I am so much more valuable than what I do…you showed me that true love is accepting people just as they are. I have never had that demonstrated before in my life. I pushed some of you off…and some of you pushed me back! I struggled with letting this new, tighter relationship develop between my “work” and this new family we were coming to know closer than ever before. I was scared because I didn’t want to disappoint you…I wanted to help you (that is my job after all!). What was demonstrated last Sunday through the fund that you, our family, set aside for us – I can only label it as “pure, unconditional love.” I had such a hard time expressing what I was feeling because, you see, “I” didn’t do anything to deserve any of this (sound familiar from one of Tracy’s sermons?). I was overcome, smacked blind sighted by unconditional love. It’s hard to define something you have never felt or seen before. Now I can truly say I have a church family based on raw, in-your-face,  un-conditional love. I don’t think there are many other family ministers out there than can truly say this…I can’t wait to share what I have!

You have given my family peace, hope and a new way of living. No more will I carry the burden of being a financial debt to my family through these health issues. No longer will we stress when our insurance tells us that we need to pay now or the creditors will be notified. No longer will Josh see the mail on the table sit for days because he knows mommy and daddy hate looking at the bills. Even when these financial funds are consumed, no longer will I live thinking what I do here at church defines our relationship. You truly love me and our family for who we are…thank you for loving us so much. Thanks for making us a part of your lives. Thanks for following your heart. Thank you for making love a verb that will forever change my vocabulary. Oh by the way…as if you didn’t already know…we love you all too!

In HIM,

Bethany Boring

You were bought “as-is” – now go, be used as HIS.

Joshua 1:9

Dancing

I couldn't think of a better title for this day. A day that blew up my understanding of God once again. Just when I thought I was starting to understand this amazing Healer and Comforter I learn today that HE is quite a dancer as well.

Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
This morning I was not feeling well...but I haven't missed a Sunday since July when my health started tinkering...so it really does take a force of nature to keep me home. Plus, these family moments on Sundays keep my week going. I can't make it through without my Palm Bay Christian Church family.

I've written about how PBCC has pulled together and supported our family in so many ways. Meals are still being brought-in, cards mailed, kids played with...and spoiled, phone calls made, emails sent, office cleaned and volunteers pull together to make everything work as if I was still there...(not as good as me being there...but close!).

I get to church an hour before our adult Bible study hour every Sunday...8AM sharp. I walk around the building trying to get everything set-up. I'm learning that pushing, pulling and quick turns are not my strong points...yet!

I have a bit of downtime, so I spend a few minutes in with the adult Bible study group...love this class! I can't go in or leave without smiling! Great discussion too...maybe I can catch next week too!
Headed into the service...still walking and stopping frequently for hugs and to retell my Friday story again...I don't mind, it doesn't get old! Love just being with close friends here...I feel like everyone gets me in such a close way...oh, and I get them too! That's why the term "church" defines people, rather than a building.

Because of doctors orders I was confined to just attending church...not really being able to do my ministry roles with the kids, volunteers...I still feel lacking in this part of my life. Yet, its when I just come, without a title, that I realize this congregation...these people truly accept me for who I am as a person. I'm not just a staff member to them...I'm really part of the family. The worship service starts...I'm moving my feet...literally to the music. I haven't been able to stand for worship in months...loving the new view!

So many of the songs took on new meaning today. I sang to God rather than about Him. Words are amazing. If I had more energy I would add a few lyrics but I'm just way too tired tonight.
Ken did an amazing job with communion sharing the joy of being a father for a full year. Tracy spoke on the father's role in the Prodigal Son parable. I've lived this parable inside the college classroom, on the children's ministry stage and in my devotional life. Yet today...I got a glimpse of my Abba Father in a new way.

HE dances. Not only does He dance, but he busts a groove with me! So many times I catch myself whispering "Thank You" to Him during the day. This story ended with a party where we can see the dad in the story is throwing for his lost son. The father doesn't judge, he forgives and says, Lets party! (This is extremely short tonight...I'm tired but will follow-up with another blog just on this parable at a later time...Tracy Twaddell is such an AMAZING part of our church here at PBCC. He is the one who showed me that God can truly use anyone, no matter where they may find themself. Great messages from an amazing minister.

On Friday, I felt like dancing...literally and I pictured God looking down at me smiling. But today, for the first time (flowing from the message) I realized I wasn't dancing alone...He was right there celebrating with me the entire time.

At the end of the service, Steve and I were called forward. My big news from Friday was shared...not by me, but through one of our leaders. I'm telling you people...if you want to be humbled, hear your testimony through another set of eyes. I was in tears...I NEVER cry...and I was completely drenched! ...I really don't like crying in public...but being this is my church family it was better...everyone joined with us in celebration.

But...as I should have known, our PBCC family took it a step farther. They were taking up donations in order to start a fund to help us with my medical expenses. The amount raised just left me absolutely speechless that a church could do. I'm not mentioning a number here because numbers are not important. People actively joining together to meet an incredible need out of love...thats something I have never received before. I'm still struggling to come up with the right words to describe my feelings tonight...


I still feel so just...LOVED. To think that our congregation...our family came together for such a big way for a couple of joes like us...RIGHT when I was feeling so unfilled by not being able to do my role here the way I used to, my family comes around me and loves me...loves us just the way we are. I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS...but I'm working on it.


Excited, thankful, blessed, gracious, empathetic, un-deserved, loved
I give up! God is going to remain unexplainable and able to meet all of my needs. This week I start by giving up my desire to understand God...instead, I think I'm going to just dance.
Join-in...its great!
PRAYER REQUEST - Folllw-up drs appointment tomorrow at 1:30. Pray that they find nothing! If something is needed...pray that it is easy. I need my Children's Pastors Conference in Orlando...I want the green light to go and be free for a bit. Say a prayer for me please!

Goodnight! I'm going to attempt going to bed now...it would be SO nice to just drift off and stay asleep....

Riding On His Shoulders

FIRST, a bit about my day. I was trying to figure out exactly how to follow-up from yesterdays post. I don't think there is really any possible way to top it! AND...I'd like to say I'm still pain-free (a few of the doctors told me to not get excited if this was only a one day fluke). I've been walking slowly today (for those "the glass is half-empty" people...I emphasize WALK) and extremely exhausted. I spent most of the day on our living room couch with - you guessed it, Sprite by my side! I did manage to get a few pretzels down, as well as part of a red velvet cupcake. Our Palm Bay Christian Church members love feeding my guys...but I know if I can't eat the red velvet cupcakes, they will disappear!

Quick funny story from my day. this morning Steve had to leave for worship practice at the church. I obviously wasn't going anywhere, so the boys stayed home with me. At one point, I felt like I was going to get sick. I peeked in at the boys and they were both glued to Elmo's World, so I took my opportunity. As everything concluded and I was just hanging my head over the toilet I hear, "Way to go mom! That was awesome" from Josh. Then I heard, "Yay" and clapping from our 18 month Caden. Then I felt the dog licking my ear. It was one of those moments I can truly say we have a very close family! Steve is the kind of guy that asks, 'Did you get sick?" and wants nowhere near the actual scene...I guess my boys will be different!

The type of ivig I was on was extremely invasive and includes an element called "cytoxan" which is a form of chemo. This being said, I have the after effects of IVIG (headache, loss of appetite and exhaustion) with the blended joy of chemo effects (nausea, exhaustion, aches, hair-loss, etc). So, I'm a walking, dancing post-chemo-ivig living for God gal, with a few side-effects. No big...I've been through worse.

I did do something fun today. I went to Walmart and I pushed the cart! It feels like it has been SO long since I have been able to do this...and I really had a good time. I went by myself so I could get things ready for Josh's birthday party next weekend. I made it through the party section, then took a break and then headed over to get groceries. I was exhausted, yet, I felt like I was contributing to society. I felt like I wasn't "sick' for an hour or so...there for a little while I simply blended-in with the crowd.

I think we all want to just blend-in sometimes, right? There are times where we all just want an escape from the reality of chaos that defines our everyday life. Why do you think TV and movies become such a part of our life...its an escape mentally and emotionally from our current chaotic life situations.

When I was at my escape at Walmart, I saw a dad holding his son on his shoulders. They were both laughing and the little boy shouted, 'Daddy, I can see everything SO much better from up here!" Caden loves being on daddy's shoulders too. I'm a bit too old to really recall what this felt like...but if there are any guys out there that want to offer a ride, let me know! Yet, for a second, I got the perfect message from my Abba Daddy about where I was right now...I was on His shoulders yelling, 'Wow Daddy, I can see the world so much better from up here!"

Psalms 121 has always been a FAVORITE passage of mine, since my college days.
¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
³ He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
⁵ The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
⁷ The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
⁸ the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

It's just one of those passages you can read and be reassured that everything is going to be okay. I read it during my devotional time this morning...its kind of a celebration song to me now.

On my way home from Walmart I heard another song on the radio. Though it wasn't nearly as dramatic as the "Falling Apart" episode, it did speak to me and its by one of my favorite bands - Kutless.

Carry Me To The Cross: By Kutless

LYRICS:
When the path is daunting
And every step exhausting
I'm not alone
I'm not alone, no, no
I feel you draw me closer
All these burdens on my shoulder
I'm not alone, I'm not alone
You pull me me from this place

Hallelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

How your love has moved me, yeah
To the foot of all your glory
I'm not alone, I'm not alone
I'm not alone

Hallelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

All of these cities you have built
And every cathedral you have filled
To all of creation you gave life with your hands
And with those hands you comfort me
You lift me up from my knees
And carry me
You carry me

Hallelujah
You carry me every day
You carry me all all the way
Hallelujah
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross
The cross
You carry me to the
You carry me to the cross

I heard this song as I was driving home from Walmart, back to my reality of dealing with sickness, somewhat uncertainty, confusion, questions...and the chaos of kids who were not ready for bed! Every step I was taking was exhausting (pain-free, but still exhausting). Its almost like He was saying, 'Let me carry you through the reality of your little chaos...I'll carry you everyday and I promise, you'll like the view better from up there!"

From where I'm sitting, my path is still unclear. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Yet, I cling tightly to the hands of my Abba Father as I sit on his shoulders. The view is better from up here because I've just been looking down at Him this entire day. Sometimes its not important about where you are going, but rather Who is getting you there.

So many of you blow me away with your stories! Don't keep them to yourself...share what God is doing in your life so others may know that they too have a second chance for a ride on their Abba Father's shoulders and seek out the incredible view!

Have an amazing day!!

How To Comment On This Blog

HOW TO REPLY OR COMMENT ON POSTS: Many of you have called, texted or emailed regarding how to comment on posts. Funny thing - I didn't really know either! I figured it out a little bit ago...at the end of each post you see the word "comment" (IF YOU ARE ON THE WEBSITE...if you subscribe and read this in your email, click on the post title in the email and it will take you to the post on the site). At the end of each post you will see "comments" with the number of posted comments from other readers. By clicking the "comments" link, you are taken to a box that will allow you to leave a comment. You can post using your Google ID, or other ids, or just by entering your name, or even anonymous. I do read and can edit/delete comments as needed too! I hope this helps everyone! Just email me if you need assistance!

For those who enjoy commenting on Facebook or emailing - that's fine too! This is just for those that would like to comment on the blog on the actual www.asis2asHis.com site itself.

LOVE YOU ALL!!! I thank God I even had to learn how to leave comments...I still can't believe the number of you out there that are making this blog a part of your day and prayer time. THANK YOU!

Believing Is Everything

Today was extraordinary! I call it a God Thing, the doctors call it a "mis-calculation." I don't really care what they call it anymore...but let me catch you up quickly.

I'm exhausted right now...but I wanted you to celebrate with me...so if this post is somewhat straight to the point, that's why!

Last night I started feeling better. I was able to sit or lay without any pain, no numbness and no tingling! This was huge, but still had pain, burning and intense tingling when I walked around. I just naturally grab onto things around me when I walk in our house.

Around 2:30 I head to bed. I check my phone and got a quick text from my "encourager" at 12:13 last night...missed seeing it until now...but helped me get to sleep.
I wake-up this morning in a rush to get out the door (The alarm slept in...my kids that is, slept in!). On my swift sprint out to the car I stop dead in my tracks...I'm walking, yet no pain! I walk around the car...still feeling good. I start the car and get the defrost going...while I try skipping to the mailbox...a little wobbly, but feeling amazing.

I get to the Mima office and left my cane in the car. The front desk intro was soooo different this morning! There are 3 ladies sitting around the main desk and all just stared at me with their mouths open. Finally I ask..."I have an appointment today, right?" I get seated but the assistant wants to see me walk down the hallway first. So...I walked down and...hehehe...JOGGED back! I looked at him the entire time...just shaking his head in dis-belief. He did several things and told me tell if it hurt...bending my legs, swinging my arms, leaning forward and backward....nothing! He told me to quit smiling and take this as serious...I told him I am a miracle and can't quit smiling...or laughing at this point.

Ivig treatment started with only 2 pokes! It was weird...never had a treatment with no pain.
Around 10:30 all of my main doctors came down to observe my "case." I had a muscle conduction test, a reflex test and a pacemaker test. They found a "very high level of energy in the muscles" and my reflexes were almost sudden...usually there is a long delay...a week ago there was no reflex at all in my knees....today they immediately swung up. It really freaked me out...I forgot that's what was supposed to happen!!!

Now for the amazing part. My pacemaker has been tested a number of times this week with close to 5 trigger points every hour meaning my heart rate went low enough to kick the pacemaker on. When they printed out the last 24 hours, the last trigger came at exactly 12:13 last night...the same time my "encourager" sent that text to me. That was the last time my pacemaker needed to help out...anyone have chills going up their spine yet???

So, I was released early so they could regroup. I still have an appointment on Monday to approve my conference in Orlando. Maybe I won't need to bring my scooter after all! I was still told to try to stay off my feet and walk with a cane just in case.

Before making it out the door, one of the assistants caught me. He told me to keep smiling and that he overheard the conversations I had on my phone during "Juice Ups" this week. He told me about a patient that should be well by now, but is getting worse. "His case was a breeze compared to yours" he told me. "He just has no encouragement, no optimism...no joy. You...I thought...well I can tell you now...I didn't think it would work. Your case is...was...whatever...its serious and you came in everyday smiling. It just rubbed me the wrong way. But you need to realize those people you were on the phone with got you where you are today. Just sayin'".

With that I walked to my car, called my "encourager" and said - I got to show you something. Eventually we caught up and Ill never forget the look on my friends face when I handed off my cane and walked around with full balance...then jogged in place! We celebrated, we ate lunch, we laughed, and we shared how God was moving in amazing ways in my life. Celebrations are great...better with encouraging mentors and friends who you wish you could be like one day.

So...I'm not one of those people who believe everything I see. If I was a disciple, Id be half Peter wanting to walk on the water with Jesus during the storm and the other part doubting Thomas who has to see to believe. My point is...I sit here knowing 24 hours ago I was in pain and the doctors were telling me at BEST I would be able to walk short distances only with the full support of a cane. I have a scooter that I need to make it at work and longer distances. I couldn't move or even hardly bend my feet...let alone skip. Balance just doesn't come back overnight. God worked in my life today. HE frazzled the doctors and gave hope to a room of patients that may have lost it. Even if this is temporary...its still something unexplained by science...but blows my little God box out of my universe! God moved!

I'm ending here. My kids want to play and so do I! DUH. Don't Underestimate HIM.
IN HIM,
Bethany


Just believe....

Thank You

Tonight is a good night. I was able to complete treatment a little after 1Pm and meet with a friend for some good conversation! I even met with another friend last night for the same thing. I've been pouring over the emails that you have been sending in, as well as all of those Facebook messages and comments! I am blessed! Our family has pizza on the way tomorrow, lasagna was on the table tonight and chicken Parmesan last night! Our fridge is full at the moment (but so are my guys stomachs!).

THANK YOU!

To those who have brought meals, Josh asks why do we even cook anymore? You have saved us so much precious time...THANK YOU! To those who have taken the time to write letters and cards...your words are so encouraging to me! Please know that I personally read each one and I have a file that I started years ago that I keep these encouraging letters in. I might need to invest in a bigger file now! to those who have emailed or...shall I just call it "facebooked' me...last night I just poured over all of your messages and comments! I sit here going..."God, this is so NEAT! I'm being used by You! What a ride!" It is so amazing to read what God is doing in other lives through the way He is moving in my life. My challenge to you...don't keep it to yourself...SHARE IT! When God works through you, it is an incredible, humbling, rewarding experience!

To those who have gone above and beyond...you know who you are - those of you that have texted with me late at night because you were thinking about me and knew I would be awake! To those who have shared Sprite with me over these past few days...to my "encourager" and to my friend who just knew I needed to enjoy a break with a cookie...YOU have kept me going this last week! You all have gone above and beyond and you help me stay focused. Don't stop. You are being used by God in such an incredible way.

I am smart enough not to use names here...or try to cover everything. You know what you have done to encourage our family. Please know we love you all and there is no way I can keep track of everything anymore! It just comes pouring in so fast! So, please, for the time being, accept this as my thank you. Some day I will be there for you all.

As I close, I am just so happy that I can report that I feel no pain, no numbing...not even tingling tonight! This is HUGE! I can't remember the last time my feet were not numb...maybe July? This is incredibly encouraging! Even though I still can't keep much down...I'm physically feeling better. I still struggle with sleeping and I have a feeling the meds don't exactly help with this issue. I am tired...exhausted and don't feel like doing much...but no pain! No pain! NO PAIN!!!!

Sometimes I think we put God in this little box...we pray for Him to be with us...He is! We pray for Him to guide us...He does. But I want to pray for COMPLETE healing. Not that I won't have to deal with CIDP often, but I pray that I can be completely healed from pain, be able to walk again without assistance, gain my energy back and (you know its coming)...JOG! I know we have an amazing God and I would LOVE to blow my doctors out of their comfort zones with God working in a huge way. So...would you join with me and pray for complete healing? Will you pray for God to move in a big way? Will you pray for me to expect the unexpected?

Bring on tomorrow...its my last treatment!!!!

Shining Stars

So far so good today. My main doctor is sick...is that even allowed to happen? Everyone is simply going through the motions...just different. But no major bumps...yet...
I'm not sure how long this post will be. I had such a hard time sleeping last night - mainly due to my lack of anticipation for today. I had no energy but my mind just could not settle down. I finally crashed on the couch around 4am...awakened at 7am by our puppy Bubba and our son Josh yelling "Mommy...be careful...Bubba licks your mouth!" I woke-up smiling.

Last night was so insane for me. Its as if someone took the remote to my brain and knew exactly which buttons to push to get me feeling so bad about myself. Ever been there? You start thinking:
When will this end?
Look what I'm doing to my family!
Somehow I've done something to deserve this.
I can't make it through this!
These are LIES! We all face lies like this that creep into our thinking at the worst time. Ever been there? I know I'm not alone...
I sat there with these crazy flat out LIES running through my head and I started to think what I could do to get my brain going in a more positive direction. Tried reading my Bible. I turned on the tv...late night tv is never the answer...more lies there. Got on Facebook...funny...not many "encouraging" status posts out there lately. BUT great encouragement from comments from readers here...I read these last night. It made me stop and take a dose of reality. I took the dog outside...somewhere between 2:15 and 2:30am. Mind still running very much in the negative direction. Then I looked up. The stars. I remember thinking "Why haven't I noticed these so bright for a while?"

Later on last night I literally, vocally told Satan to leave me alone. I actually went outside (wasn't going to risk waking my kids) and verbally talked with God and asked Him to send satan packing. I remember the second I asked, I felt immediate relief. I've never done that before...but wow, what a feeling!
Its nights like last night that makes me pinch myself and make sure its still me riding through all of this. But wait...it gets better!
Today I get to Mima late...groggy after losing sleep. Yet, feeling optimistic and knowing God was guiding my steps. I get seated in MY chair...like a lounge chair kind of...and this lady out of nowhere runs in and asks, "Can you believe he wants me to go camping tonight just to see the (leaving this word out here) stars?!" Before I could even blink she ran off and a guy (really short and bald) comes in. I'm still in MY chair, in MY area, minding MY buisness...and now I have a short, bald-headed guy just hanging with me. On normal days, I'm up for the challenge...but today I was tired, groggy and really not feeling good...and this guy was just staring at me. "Seriously God?" I ask myself. With a sigh I start the shortest, one of the most influential conversations of my life. I asked the guy if he was looking for someone...its an open area and others are in the same big lobby room wired-up like I was. He looked me dead in the eyes and said:
"I wanted to take her camping to see the stars. God created stars to be seen in the darkness. She is my star but she doesn't realize that. All she can see is that she is sick. She forgot what a light she is in my dark world."
I might have gotten a few words twisted, but I just sat there. The guy could have been talking to the lady sitting next to me...maybe he was...but I felt like he was talking to me. Between talking with God under the stars last night and reading the last chapter of Revelation this morning, I had a new thought on this part of my life...here it is...

God creates stars to be seen during the night. They have no real purpose in the daytime. But at night, they shine so amazingly bright, you can't deny Gods creation. Some of us in this life have been given star moments...when our life grows dark and we shine with His light. You wouldn't notice in the daylight of crowded everyday life...but when life falls apart sometimes God uses it to be our shining moment. We might not like God using our trials...we may question why He can't use other avenues instead of where you are now...but God smiles and says "My child, this is the way I choose to use you right now, as a star in the night. But don't worry, there will be no stars one day...I will be the Everlasting Light."
Check out Revelation 22:5 NLT
And there will be no night there—no need for lamps or sun—for the Lord God will shine on them.
But until that time comes, we allow God to use us in the midnight sky or simply blending in with the daylight...but its HIS choice. It was just my friendly tap on the shoulder from God saying..."Yes, tou are struggling. Your pain is real - but so is your faith in Me. Let Me use you even now and see what I (meaning the great I AM) can do even in your night."

Sometimes I think we struggle sharing our fears, crazy night thoughts, failures and hurts with others because we worry about how it will make US look...when in reality, how we handle these midnight times reflects God so much brighter. Its when we can't, that the world looks and sees that God can.

Do you need to share something today? Shine bright, regardless if you hang with the sun or the moon. You are His. You are loved. Be used!

Wearing My Jogging Shoes

Yesterday is gone.
Today is here.
Tomorrow is still to be determined.
That's why today, I wear my old, worn down jogging shoes. Actually, I put these guys on yesterday too. You see, a few months ago Monday January 2nd was my goal date to start jogging again. I love jogging! I actually started during my first ministry out in the desert heat of Arizona. Besides getting me fit for my wedding dress, it was my time to shut the world out - crank up my ipod and spend time with God. By the time I would end, my stress would be gone, I had more energy and I felt better too. Because of my health, my last day jogging was that first Monday in August. My legs hurt so bad and everything started spiraling down from there.
I put my jogging shoes on due to the cold weather.
One of my doctors saw me wearing these yesterday and said, "Bethany...you are the most optimistic person I know. You will get back to jogging soon...its just been slightly delayed." He saw my shoes as a way to keep my goals in check when in all actuality I HATED these stupid shoes.
Because these last few months have been so crazy, seeing these shoes just reminded me more of what I could no longer do. They made me angry. So, I threw them into the abyss of my closet. I was happy, temporarily.
I'm goal oriented. I strive to not only meet goals, but surpass expectations. It drives me. I want to know where I am going in life. I hate sitting on the sidelines. I love helping others find their purpose and meet goals they never thought possible. Throwing my shoes off was not me. I was irritated. Annoyed. Temporarily giving up hope. I even got a pair of crocs (and got a new pair for Christmas too...thank you Dana!). Crocs are more comfortable on my feet and doctor recommended right now. Yet, these holes don't mix well with cold weather. So reluctantly...I found my jogging shoes again.
JOSHUA 1:9 - Have I not commanded you to be STRONG and COURAGEOUS? Do not be terrified, do not be DISCOURAGED. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
Give it to a guy that admires my optimism to fill my glass half-full. So, I'm wearing my jogging shoes. Looking at them now actually. I think I might eventually get a new pair being these are going on 8 years old...I've been in ministry for almost 8 years...WOW! But these shoes have been through so much...we will see...
Don't give up on your goals. Keep running the race. HE truly is with us wherever we go.
Thank you SO much for the calls, emails, texts, Facebook messages...your prayers, encouragement and company along this roller coaster makes it enjoyable to me. Really...keep em coming and yes - this blog can be shared! That's the reason it was created! Share away!!

Today has been rough...they used an ultrasound to find a good vein. I lost count on sticks. I've been in pain as well...but they are trying a different type of pain med through the iv. All I know is that it is making me very tired...yay...unscheduled nap time!

Tomorrow I'm thinking about renting a new release. I want a good one here people...MAKE ME LAUGH...any ideas???
More later...nap time begins in 3....2...zzzzzzzzz


EDIT (11:36PM) -
I'm still up. Pain has somewhat subsided to the "I'll tolerate it" phase but my stomach is not giving in. I don't care at this point...that half of a red velvet cupcake I ate was worth it!

Yet, I'm having a rough night. I mean, seriously, how can you get yourself all excited about getting another treatment in the morning? I'm trying, but truthfully, this is getting old. Tomorrow is just going to be plain hard...it will be my get through day to Friday!

I was able to Skype with my head doctor up in Atlanta. He is still debating whether I will be able to attend my Children's Pastors Conference. I have an appointment on Monday with him and a few of the other team of doctors to determine if the treatment is indeed working and if I can attend my conference. I would like a YES to both! Start praying friends!

Pray for my attitude tonight. I know I'm optimistic, but I'm no super hero. These treatments are really killing my energy. I didn't make it home until after 5PM today because of the new meds and complications...FRUSTRATING!!!!

I think I need to plan some kind of a celebration of Friday. Something fun, low key and can mark that I made it through. Skydiving anyone? I'll take ideas!

When I Fall Apart

It’s the morning of day 2 of “Juice Ups” (I still laugh saying and typing that…TOO FUNNY!!). Today is completely different than yesterday (expected). I’m back in the Mima complex (where everybody knows my name) and wifi is on again! It is in the 50s here in the Sunshine State. I walked in this morning wearing jeans, a t-shirt, a sweater, a heavy jacket with my hood up and…ready for this…sunglasses! I was on the phone with a friend as I left my car and just didn’t cue my brain to remove my shades. When I checked-in for my appointment, Lisa (at the front desk) immediately put her hands in the air and said, “Take anything you want!” It took me a few minutes…literally…to take in the scene and understand exactly what the humorous situation was all about. After they waited patiently, I looked down at what I was wearing and got it…I laughed, they laughed even harder…welcome home for me! I have been at this facility over 8 times for previous treatments…these guys are like family to me now.

The IV went right in today (only one try…WOW!) and so far the pain is low, plus with wifi on I can play to somewhat pre-occupy my frazzled nerves. And with that, let my launch you into a God moment I had both yesterday and today…I had to wait until today to share, but I’m SO excited to finally share it!

Yesterday around 8AM I’m in the Holmes hospital parking lot about to turn off the car when all of the sudden this song comes on the radio that is literally singing what I’m thinking (ever been there…I figured its just me!). I’m late because they changed my appointment place. I’m nervous because of this new invasive treatment. I’m tired because of my lack of sleep. I’m in pain…enough said there. My whole world is caving in…yet I feel God so much more than before…LITERALLY, that thought was going through my brain and the line, “My whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then…” I froze. My ears perked up. My mouth dropped. I listened. I was still. A chill came up my spine…who knew God spoke through the radio at 8AM in the morning? Halfway into the song my car automatically shut off the radio (to save battery…I already had the keys in my hand and my other hand was gripping the door handle…I was literally about to leave my car when the song came on!). So, I left and after the chaos of getting sick and multiple iv sticks…I tried to call the Christian FM Radio station and all I could remember was that one line. The lady told me she would look into it and email me if anything popped up. I’m truthfully not even sure if I called the right radio station being I tried this after the meds were administered and I was far from my normal self!

Fast forward to today. I got in right at 7:55AM and I was listening to Christian FM from the house to the office and still, my song (of course I owned it now) had not been played. I thought about calling, but this truly sounded desperate so I just rushed as fast as I could into the office because I knew they had a radio I could borrow. Because the iv made it in on the first try (a VERY rare thing for me) I was able to get the radio tuned and rolling shortly after 8AM (exact time not known). I was getting my laptop out and connected and then…I only heard the intro music…but it was it! My song! I just sat there and really listened to the entire song this time. This time I was able to hear who the artist was and the title…some of you already know the song, but for those who don’t – here ya go!

Josh Wilson’s “Fall Apart” LYRICS: Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
Blessed are the ones who understand
We’ve got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down
‘Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
I don’t know how long this will last
I’m praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that Has ever happened to me

My whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when
You will find me when I fall apart

Mr. Josh Wilson…your song was used by God. It has been literally nagging at me that I feel joyful sometimes during this entire CIDP saga. Why? Literally, I questioned my sanity a few times…especially when all (literally every single one of my doctors) have commented about my smile and optimism. They say it drives me…yet I disagree. I have felt God so strong in my life over these past few months, it comforts and freaks me out at the same time. I don’t have anything together right now. I can’t play with my kids. I’m physically not where I was just a few short months ago. I feel like I haven’t really been there for my church families (though they all disagree)…bills are coming in, Steve’s getting ready for more nursing classes…its INSANE! Yet, I’m smiling?!

My whole world is caving in But I feel You now more than I did then How can I come to the end of me And somehow still have all I need God, I want to know You more Maybe this is how it starts I find You when You will find me when I fall apart

I’m not saying I haven’t lost it. I’m not saying I’m always smiling. I’m not saying I can do this all alone. I’m just saying I’m so happy God is paving a road through this…and carries me on His shoulders when I can’t go any further (I loved piggy-back rides…how can you NOT smile?).

I really prayed hard before starting this blog. I really wasn’t sure if I wanted anyone and everyone to be a part of this journey with me. After all, I don’t have to share anything (hahaha…nanana). Yet, I really have been feeling God telling me that this is my way to use what He has given me (a testimony and the ability to write) to share what He is doing in my life. Like the blog title says…we are all truly Bought As-Is (Sinful nature, way far from perfect bodies, bad attitudes, hurt, pain…the works) but through Jesus Christ we can all be used as His (as He works through our world…when everything is going great and also when everything falls apart). We truly have an amazing God, don’t we?

I wanted to add in another encouraging video made my Josh Wilson sharing the stories from his song. Check it out.
Be encouraged…but don’t stop there. Your life is a testimony…you are Bought As-Is, now GO, be Used As HIS TODAY!

I will try to update again tonight…but if not, just picture me on the sofa enjoying some Sprite (...and smiling!).

In HIM,
Bethany

Joshua 1:9



UPDATE 12:30AM:
I had no idea I enjoyed the word "literally" so much. I just posted without reading that entire post...but you get the raw goodness!

I'm in intense leg and arm pain tonight. BUT this afternoon I had a blast with my kids! I returned home from treatment shortly after 1PM...so I put Josh down for a nap...well, we BOTH napped side-by-side. It has been SO long since I've seen Josh sleep...loved it and really needed the nap too! Caden just amazes me...the kid is SO sneaky and smart. I did dishes again tonight and after I was done I found his stash of dirty utensils he stole from the dishwasher! He just smiled...I'm afraid of having 2 talking boys soon!

Tomorrow is going to be a rough morning. Praying that the pain will go away in a few hours so we can start on time. Keep praying!! LOVE YOU ALL!!!!