Then I paused just for a second and Josh ended, "Then they threw the bad men into the lions hole and the lions burped!" I cracked up...truly, we all want that fair ending, right? The good guys win, the bad guys are lion bait and everyone lives happily forever. In reality, Daniel 6 records this story and yes, these "men" we're given to the lions...as well as their wives and children. The Bible says they were pounced upon before they even hit the ground and torn apart. There is no room for imagination there...but seeing wives and kids reach this fate, well, it begs to ask, "Is this really fair?" We won't answer that, but I ask that question...and I'm sure you've been there too.
Gods fairness is beyond me. Perhaps that's why He is God and I'm not. Yet, this is my BIGGEST area of struggle with God right now. I look at the storm hitting my life and the lives of my family and I shout, "It's not fair! Make it stop! Do something to make all of this end!" And the storm gets worse. I feel God and I even see God...but He isn't doing the obvious healing, house-securing, moving faster dream that I really wish He would do. Yet, I don't see the bigger picture here, because these things I want God to do are really all about me. the world and time is way bigger than just me...a spec of a spec really. Yet He does more than notice me, He walks with me and continues to show me He is here and He is working...but again, not in the way I'd like. My "Happy Ending" isn't there...yet.
So...what to do with all of this? Well, I keep praying, keep watching God move and remember that He is in control. IT'S NOT EASY...but it's a mindset that I have taken on because I know it's True. Am I frustrated? Heck yes! Have I experienced pain? More than I ever thought possible! Have I felt alone, discouraged, hopeless and confused? Yes...but I fight these feelings with the knowledge I have in Christ that He does all things for good and that this story is just a small part in His story. I lose sight of that too...but friends (especially readers of this blog) guide me back to the Truth.
I lost sight of that this last week. It's just been a REALLY rough week...and lack of sleep just makes everything worse. Monday was the whole "passing out" saga, Wednesday was my extremely tired and really in pain day, Thursday I actually slept a few hours in a row missing getting into work...it was my day-off though...but Friday...BY FAR was the worst. My throbbing headache started around 7PM Thursday night. I had tremendous leg pain that radiated my entire body all night, all Friday morning and didn't end until 3"ish" in the afternoon on Friday. This is what happens with a brain tumor and un-treated CIDP. The pain got so bad, I literally begged my doctor for medication. I made a deal with him around noon to wait until 5PM before going to the ER for morphine. Guess he won (I forgot to call him back!). It's not that my medical team ignore my pain, but anything I take can disrupt the treatment from weeks ago...it's not worth it (I type that even now with hesitancy). When the oxycodone doesn't make you tired anymore, you have clearly entered in new territory. I'm there. I hold my breath as next week starts...this is the first time in my life I haven't been eager to really start a new week...yep, it's that bad. Yet, it's closer to my rescan and answers. Just a lots of chaos and question marks between here and there.
So, wherever you find yourself upon reading this post, don't lose sight of the Truth and surround yourself with friends who can listen but ever-so-carefully re-direct you when the rain of the storm is a bit too thick and you lose your focus. It's ok...it happens to all of us. God never leaves us...good thing because man, I don't ever walk in a straight line anymore!
Until the next post...let God use you!